The Host Chapter 29: Betrayed

peradventure I should fuddle run the different panache. But no wholeness was holding me back now, and though his voice was cold and angry, J ard was c all(prenominal)ing to me. Melanie was steady to a greater extent eager than I was as I stepped c are soundy nigh the corner and into the blue light I hesitated there.Ian s similarlyd except a a fewer(prenominal) feet a tribal chief of me, poised on the balls of his feet, redey for whatever hostile exercise Jared cleverness make toward me.Jared sat on the ground, on ane of the mats Jamie and I had left(a) here. He hanged as weary as Ian, though his eyeball, too, were more alert than the rest of his exhausted posture.At ease, Jared verbalize to Ian. I nevertheless want to lambast to it. I promised the kid, and Ill brook by that promise.Wheres Kyle? Ian demanded.Snoring. Your cave might shake a interpreter from the vibrations.Ian didnt move.Im non lying, Ian. And Im not passing play to kill it. Jeb is right. No t opic how messed up this stupid situation is, Jamie has as oft severalise as I do, and hes been totally suckered, so I doubt hell be giving me the go-ahead anytime soon.No ones been suckered, Ian growled.Jared waved his hand, dismissing the disagreement over terminology. Its not in any danger from me, is my point. For the first time he looked at me, evaluating the mien I hugged the far wall, watching my hands tremble. I wont scandalize you once again, he tell to me.I took a small step forward.You dont throw away to talk to him if you dont want to, Wanda, Ian express quickly. This isnt a duty or a caper to be done. Its not mandatory. You have a choice.Jareds eyebrows pulled low over his eyes-Ians speech communication conf utilize him.No, I whispered. Ill talk to him. I took another short step. Jared off his hand palm up and curled his fingers twice, encouraging me forward.I walked slowly, separately step an individual movement followed by a pause, not part of a steady adv ance. I stopped a yard forth from him. Ian shadowed distributively step, go forwarding belt up to my side.Id wish well to talk to it alone, if you dont mind, Jared said to him.Ian planted himself. I do mind.No, Ian, its okay. Go get two(prenominal) pause. Ill be fine. I nudged his arm lightly.Ian scrutinized my feel, his expression dubious. This isnt some death wish? stinting the kid? he demanded.No. Jared wouldnt lie to Jamie ab let on this.Jared scowled when I said his name, the sound of it full of confidence.Please, Ian, I pleaded. I want to talk to him.Ian looked at me for a abundant minute, then turned to scowl at Jared. He barked out each sentence like an order.Her name is Wanda, not it. You entrust not touch her. Any mark you leave on her, I will double on your worthless hide.I winced at the threat.Ian turned on the spur of the moment and stalked into the darkness.It was silent for a moment as we two watched the empty space where he had disappeared. I looked at J areds face first, eon he alleviate stared after Ian. When he turned to meet my esteem, I dropped my eyes.Wow. Hes not kidding, is he? Jared said.I treated that as a rhetorical question.Why dont you have a seat? he asked me, patting the mat be-side him.I deliberated for a moment, then went to sit against the same wall but close to the hole, putting the length of the mat between us. Melanie didnt like this she trea certain(a)d to be near him, for me to smell his scent and find the warmth of his body beside me.I did not want that-and it wasnt because I was hatred-stricken he would hurt me he didnt look angry at the moment, only tired and wary. I simply didnt want to be any closer to him. Something in my chest was pain to have him so near-to have him hating me in such close proximity.He watched me, his head tilted to the side I could only meet his gaze fleetingly before I had to look off.Im sorry about last night-about your face. I shouldnt have done that.I stared at my hands, knotted together in a double fist on my traffic circle.You dont have to be afraid of me.I nodded, not flavour at him.He grunted. Thought you said you would talk to me?I shrugged. I couldnt find my voice with the weight of his hostility in the air between us.I heard him move. He scooted lot the mat until he sat right beside me-the way Melanie had hoped for. Too close-it was rough to think straight, hard to breathe right-but I couldnt bring myself to scoot away. Oddly, for this was what shed wanted in the first place, Melanie was suddenly irritated.What? I asked, startled by the strong point of her emotion.I dont like him next to you. It doesnt feel right. I dont like the way you want him there. For the first time since wed abandoned civilization together, I matte up waves of hostility emanating from her. I was shocked. That was hardly equitable.I just have one question, Jared said, interrupting us.I met his gaze and then shied away-recoiling both from his hard eyes and from M elanies resentment.You fag probably guess what it is. Jeb and Jamie spent all night jabbering at meI waited for the question, staring across the dark hall at the strain bag-last nights pillow. In my peripheral vision, I saw his hand come up, and I cringed into the wall.Im not going to hurt you, he said again, impatient, and cupped my chin in his rough hand, pulling my face well-nigh so I had to look at him.My heart stuttered when he touched me, and there was suddenly too much moisture in my eyes. I blinked, nerve-wracking to clear them.Wanda. He said my name slowly-unwillingly, I could tell, though his voice was even and toneless. Is Melanie suave alive-still part of you? Tell me the truth.Melanie attacked with the brute strength of a wrecking ball. It was physically painful, like the sudden stab of a migraine headache, where she tried to take out her way out.Stop it Cant you see?It was so obvious in the rotary of his lips, the tight lines under his eyes. It didnt matter what I said or what she said.Im already a liar to him, I told her. He doesnt want the truth-hes just looking for evidence, some way to prove me a liar, a Seeker, to Jeb and Jamie so that hell be allowed to kill me.Melanie refused to answer or believe me it was a struggle to keep her silent.Jared watched the sweat bead on my forehead, the strange shiver that shook cut out my spine, and his eyes narrowed. He held on to my chin, refusing to let me hide my face.Jared, I have a go at it you, she tried to scream. Im right here.My lips didnt quiver, but I was surprised that he couldnt read the words spelled out plainly in my eyes.Time passed slowly plot of ground he waited for my answer. It was agonizing, having to stare into his eyes, having to see the inconsistency there. As if that werent enough, Melanies anger go on to slice at me from the inside. Her jealousy swelled into a chipter make full that washed through my body and left it polluted.More time passed, and the disunite welled up until they couldnt be contained in my eyes anymore. They spilled over onto my cheeks and rolled silently into Jareds palm. His expression didnt change.Finally, Id had enough. I closed my eyes and jerked my head down. Rather than hurt me, he dropped his hand.He sighed, frustrated.I expected he would leave. I stared at my hands again, waiting for that. My heartbeat marked the passing minutes. He didnt move. I didnt move. He seemed carved out of stone beside me. It touch him, this stonelike stillness. It fit his new, hard expression, the flint in his eyes.Melanie pondered this Jared, comparing him with the man he used to be. She remembered an unremarkable day on the runArgh Jared and Jamie groan together.Jared lounges on the whip sofa and Jamie sprawls on the carpet in front of him. Theyre watching a basketball game on the big-screen TV. The para-sites who live in this house are at work, and weve already filled the jeep with all it can hold. We have hours to rest before we need t o disappear again.On the TV, two players are disagreeing politely on the sideline. The cameraman is close we can hear what theyre precept.I believe I was the last one to touch it-its your ball.Im not sure about that. I wouldnt want to take any unfair advantage. Wed remediate have the refs review the tape.The players shake hands, pat each others shoulders.This is ridiculous, Jared grumbles.I cant stand it, Jamie agrees, mirroring Jareds tone perfectly he sounds more like Jared every day-one of the some(prenominal) forms his hero worship has taken. Is there anything else on?Jared flips through a few channels until he finds a track and field meet. The poriferans are holding the Olympics in Haiti right now. From what we can see, the aliens are all hugely ablaze about it. Lots of them have Olympic flags outside their houses. Its not the same, though. Everyone who participates gets a medal now. Pathetic.But they cant really screw up the hundred-meter dash. Individual parasite sports are much more entertaining than when they try to compete against each other directly. They perform better in separate lanes.Mel, come relax, Jared calls.I stand by the back door out of habit, not because Im tense to run. Not because Im frightened. Empty habit, slide fastener more.I go to Jared. He pulls me onto his lap and tucks my head under his chin.Comfortable? he asks.Yes, I say, because I really, authentically am entirely comfortable. Here, in an aliens house.Dad used to say gobs of funny things-like he was speaking his own language sometimes. Twenty-three skidoo, salad days, nosy parker, bandbox fresh, the catbird seat, chocolate teapot, and something about Grandma sucking eggs. One of his favorites was expert as houses.Teaching me to ride a bike, my mother worrying in the doorway Calm down, Linda, this street is safe as houses. Convincing Jamie to sleep without his nightlight Its safe as houses in here, son, not a monster for miles. thusly overnight the world turned int o a hideous nightmare, and the phrase became a black joke to Jamie and me. Houses were the most dangerous places we knew.Hiding in a patch of scrubby pines, watching a car pull out from the garage of a secluded home, deciding whether to make a feed run, whether it was too dicey. Do you think the parasitesll be gone for long? No way-that place is safe as houses. Lets get out of here.And now I can sit here and watch TV like it is tail fin age ago and Mom and Dad are in the other room and Ive never spent a night hiding in a drainpipe with Jamie and a bunch of rats while body snatchers with spotlights research for the thieves who made off with a bag of dried beans and a field of cold spaghetti.I drive in that if Jamie and I survived alone for twenty years we would never find this feeling on our own. The feeling of safety. More than safety, even-happiness. unassailable and happy, two things I thought Id never feel again.Jared makes us feel that way without trying, just by being Jar ed.I breathe in the scent of his skin and feel the warmth of his body under mine.Jared makes everything safe, everything happy. correct houses.He still makes me feel safe, Melanie realized, feeling the warmth where his arm was just half an inch from mine. Though he doesnt even know Im here.I didnt feel safe. Loving Jared made me feel less safe than anything else I could think of.I wondered if Melanie and I would have cheatd Jared if hed always been who he was now, rather than the smiling Jared in our memories, the one who had come to Melanie with his hands full of hope and miracles. Would she have followed him if hed always been so hard and cynical? If the mischief of his laughing father and wild big brothers had iced him over the way nothing but Melanies loss had?Of course. Mel was certain. I would love Jared in any form. unconstipated like this, he belongs with me.I wondered if the same held true for me. Would I love him now if he were like this in her memory?Then I was interr upted. Without any cue that I perceived, suddenly Jared was talking, speaking as if we were in the middle of a conversation.And so, because of you, Jeb and Jamie are convinced that its possible to continue some kind of awareness after being caught. Theyre both sure Mels still kicking in there.He rapped his fist lightly against my head. I flinched away from him, and he folded his arms.Jamie thinks shes talking to him. He rolled his eyes. Not really fair to play the kid like that-but thats assuming a superstar of morals that clearly does not apply.I wrapped my arms around myself.Jeb does have a point, though-thats whats killing me What are you after? The Seekers search wasnt well enjoin or even suspicious. They only seemed to be looking for you-not for us. So possibly they didnt know what you were up to. Maybe youre exculpatelancing? Some kind of undercover thing. OrIt was easier to ignore him when he was speculating so foolishly. I focused on my knees. They were dirty, as usual, purple and black.Maybe theyre right-about the killing-you part, anyway.Unexpectedly, his fingers brushed lightly once across the clown bumps his words had raised on my arm. His voice was softer when he spoke again. Nobodys going to hurt you now. As long as you arent causing any disarray He shrugged. I can sort of see their point, and maybe, in a sick way, it would be wrong, like they say. Maybe there is no justifiable reason to Except that JamieMy head flipped up-his eyes were sharp, scrutinizing my reaction. I regretted showing recreate and watched my knees again.It scares me how attached hes getting, Jared muttered. Shouldnt have left him behind. I never imagined And I dont know what to do about it now. He thinks Mels alive in there. What will it do to him when?I noticed how he said when, not if. No matter what promises hed made, he didnt see me lasting in the long term.Im surprised you got to Jeb, he reflected, changing the subject. Hes a canny old guy. He sees through decept ions so good. Till now.He thought about that for a minute.Not much for conversation, are you?There was another long silence.His words came in a sudden gush. The part that keeps bugging me is what if theyre right? How the hell would I know? I hate the way their logic makes sense to me. Theres got to be another explanation.Melanie struggled again to speak, not as viciously as before, this time without hope of intermission through. I kept my arms and lips locked.Jared moved, shifting away from the wall so that his body was turned toward me. I watched the movement from the corner of my eye.Why are you here? he whispered.I peeked up at his face. It was gentle, kind, almost the way Melanie remembered it. I snarl my control slipping my lips trembled. Keeping my arms locked took all my strength. I wanted to touch his face. I wanted it. Melanie did not like this.If you wont let me talk, then at least keep your hands to yourself, she hissed.Im trying. Im sorry. I was sorry. This was hurtin g her. We were both hurting, different hurts. It was hard to know who had it worse at the moment.Jared watched me curiously while my eyes filled again.Why? he asked softly. You know, Jeb has this disquieted idea that youre here for me and Jamie. Isnt that nuts?My mouth half-opened I quickly bit down on my lip.Jared leaned forward slowly and took my face between both his hands. My eyes closed.Wont you tell me?My head shook once, fast. I wasnt sure who did it. Was it me saying wont or Melanie saying cant?His hands tightened under my jaw. I opened my eyes, and his face was inches away from mine. My heart fluttered, my stomach dropped-I tried to breathe, but my lungs did not obey.I recognized the intention in his eyes I knew how he would move, hardly how his lips would feel. And yet it was so new to me, a first more horrible than any other, as his mouth pressed against mine.I think he meant just to touch his lips to mine, to be soft, but things changed when our skin met. His mouth wa s abruptly hard and rough, his hands trapped my face to his while his lips moved mine in urgent, unfamiliar patterns. It was so different from remembering, so much stronger. My head swam incoherently.The body revolted. I was no longer in control of it-it was in control of me. It was not Melanie-the body was stronger than either of us now. Our breathing echoed aloud mine wild and gasping, his fierce, almost a snarl.My arms broke free from my control. My left hand reached for his face, his hair, to wind my fingers in it.My right hand was faster. Was not mine.Melanies fist punched his jaw, knocked his face away from mine with a blunt, low sound. mannikin against flesh, hard and angry.The force of it was not enough to move him far, but he scrambled away from me the instant our lips were no longer connected, gaping with horrorstruck eyes at my horrorstruck expression.I stared down at the still-clenched fist, as repulsed as if Id bring a scorpion growing on the end of my arm. A gasp of revulsion choked its way out of my throat. I grabbed the right wrist with my left hand, desperate to keep Melanie from using my body for violence again.I glanced up at Jared. He was staring at the fist I restrained, too, the horror fading, surprise taking its place. In that second, his expression was entirely defenseless. I could easily read his thoughts as they moved across his unlocked face.This was not what he had expected. And hed had expectations that was plain to see. This had been a test. A test hed thought he was ready to evaluate. A test with results hed anticipated with confidence. But hed been surprised.Did that mean pass or fail?The pain in my chest was not a surprise. I already knew that a breaking heart was more than an exaggeration.In a fight-or- escape valve situation, I never had a choice it would always be flight for me. Because Jared was between me and the darkness of the tunnel exit, I wheeled and threw myself into the box-packed hole.The boxes crunched, crackl ed, and cracked as my weight shoved them into the wall, into the floor. I wriggled my way into the impossible space, twisting around the heavier squares and annihilative the others. I felt his fingers scrape across my foot as he made a grab for my ankle, and I kicked one of the more unshakable boxes between us. He grunted, and despair wrapped choking hands around my throat. I hadnt meant to hurt him again I hadnt meant to strike. I was only trying to escape.I didnt hear my own motherfucker, loud as it was, until I could go no farther into the crowded hole and the sound of my thrashing stopped. When I did hear myself, heard the ragged, tearing gasps of agony, I was mortified.So mortified, so humiliated. I was horrified at myself, at the violence Id allowed to flow through my body, whether consciously or not, but that was not why I was sobbing. I was sobbing because it had been a test, and, stupid, stupid, stupid, emotional creature that I was, I wanted it to be real.Melanie was wr ithing in agony inside me, and it was hard to make sense of the double pain. I felt as though I was anxious(p) because it was not real she felt as though she was dying because, to her, it had felt real enough. In all that shed lost since the end of her world, so long ago, shed never before felt betrayed. When her father had brought the Seekers after his children, shed known it was not him. There was no betrayal, only grief. Her father was dead. But Jared was alive and himself.No ones betrayed you, stupid, I railed at her. I wanted her pain to stop. It was too much, the duplication burden of her agony. Mine was enough.How could he? How? she ranted, ignoring me.We sobbed, beyond control.One word snapped us back from the edge of hysteria.From the mouth of the hole, Jareds low, rough voice-broken and strangely childlike-asked, Mel?